They are not horses.

I’m sure you’re going to come across some people who will try to convince you that ponies are horses, but they are not. Ponies are smaller than horses and sometimes they have different colored hair on their tails. They also don’t have long noses like horses do (but they sometimes do). So if someone tries to tell you that ponies are the same as horses, just say no!

They are not dogs.

• They are not dogs.
• They are not like dogs.
• They are not for you, even if you have a dog at home and think that it wouldn’t be so bad to have another one. That’s just a trap, because ponies don’t love you as much as dogs do, and they can’t go outside with you to watch birds or enjoy the fresh air! They will always be in the house with their stablemates (who will never come out of the stable), so why would you want one? For fun? It’s time to grow up, buddy: we’re talking about real life here!

They do not like you.

• They do not like you.
• They are not friends with you, nor do they want to be your friend.
• They are fine with being apart from you, as long as that means that they get to go back home when the day is over and curl up in bed while watching The Good Wife reruns on Netflix until they fall asleep.

They cannot be housebroken.

One thing you’ll want to keep in mind before getting a pony is that they can’t be housebroken, which means that they will poop and pee wherever they damn well please. Ponies are small, so their little legs can’t hold all the poop they produce. Their bladders are also too small to hold any more pee than necessary, meaning that even if you’re lucky enough to have a potty-trained pony (which is rare), there’s still going to be plenty of accidents happening around your home.

They are so cute and sweet until someone picks them up and then suddenly there’s poop everywhere! If this happens repeatedly after each time you try to teach them about potty training, then perhaps it might not be worth having a little friend at all?

Don’t worry—we know how much fun ponies are! We just want you to know what kind of commitment it takes when raising one for yourself!

You cannot wear them to work.

You cannot wear them to work.

Ponies are not hats: Hats are for people with small heads, ponies have big heads and will give you a headache if you try to cram one on your head. Also, they’re not made of wool or polyester—that would be silly!

Ponies are not dresses: You might see some people wearing them like this in the summertime when it’s hot outside, but ponies are very cold-blooded animals so they don’t really enjoy being worn as clothing or accessories unless you live somewhere warm all year round (they especially don’t like places that have snow).

Ponies are not pants: If anyone ever tells you otherwise, please let me know immediately so I can alert animal control services and we can get those nasty ponies off the streets! They’re probably trying to sell you drugs too! Don’t fall for their lies!

You cannot ride them to work.

I know, I know: you want to ride a pony to work. You’ve seen all the TV shows and movies where people are riding their ponies to work every day, and it seems like such a great idea. But honestly, it’s not. Ponies are too small to carry a person around on their backs—they’re just not built for that kind of thing! They might agree to do it once or twice out of curiosity, but after that, they won’t want anything else to do with you or your attempt at riding them anywhere (or even trying). So please don’t try!

They will ruin your life.

Ponies are a lot like crack.

You’ve never had anything like them before, and you won’t be the same after. They will eat your furniture, your money, and your heart if given the chance. If you get one of these little monsters in your life, you will never be free again.

Ponies are no good for the soul

All the ponies in the world are not worth your time and energy. If you’re reading this, it’s because you’ve already made the mistake of saying yes to a pony, or maybe even owning one. Please accept my condolences on ruining your life by buying/adopting/buying off Craigslist a pony.

The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes: your life will never be good again if you own or even see a pony. They are not horses! They are tiny little creatures who lack all ability to do anything useful or provide any form of companionship for humans.

Ponies can’t do anything for us except destroy our lives with their cuteness and hilarious faces. And don’t even get me started on how cute they look when they’re eating hay from their food bowl! Even though these animals cannot understand what we’re saying (because they aren’t dogs), we often find ourselves talking at length about how adorable our pets look when doing something mundane like drinking water from their bowl or playing with toys in the backyard while we watch them through the window…